People ask me all the time how to feel confident when dating. It’s hard and can be trying on your self-esteem. The whole dating process can be an awesome way to get know yourself better or it can be a confidence killer. The process of putting yourself out there, being a bit vulnerable and hoping to meet a romantic partner who is a good fit. I turned to my friend and dating expert Demetrius (also known as D) author of The Tao of Indifference to get your dating questions answered. He’s a dude and also an expert on dating in the digital world.  Here’s D’s dating advice on feeling and being more confident when dating. 

Dating involves so many things that can harm your confidence. Whether it’s because of the rejections, the bad dates, or the possible insults you could receive if you aren’t interested in someone, it’s safe to say that even the most self-assured person’s confidence might take a bit of a hit while dating. We all know that confidence is an important part of living a fulfilling life, and attracting people, so staying confident when dating is absolutely crucial.

5 Ways to Stay Confident When Dating

1.  Accept yourself

One way that people start to lose confidence is by not having a strong sense of self-love and acceptance to begin with. It’s much harder to maintain a level of confidence in yourself when you don’t love and accept yourself. If you dwell on your flaws and imperfections it makes you more sensitive and vulnerable to rejection (by someone who likely isn’t good for you in the long run-remember that). You will likely blame yourself, which isn’t cool, and your negative feelings will only be magnified. If you learn to accept yourself for who you are,  your level of confidence will be unscathed when faced when the negative aspects of dating.

2.  Speak up for yourself

One of my favorite idioms is “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed” and I think it applies to dating. If you’re not getting what you want out of dating, because you don’t think you should speak up, you’ll lose confidence in yourself. You’ll grow to accept less than you deserve, and that will do a lot of damage to your confidence. If you think you deserve to date someone who treats you well and you say it, even if this leads to a rejection, you’ll be able to say that you spoke up and asked for what you deserve. A confident person knows that they deserve to be treated well and with respect, and saying those things will only help to maintain their confidence.

3. Plan for Success AND Failure

Everyone you meet who is dating right now has probably imagined a scenario where they find the one and have a happy ending. What people tend to avoid doing is imagining their failures. Not so much the big failures, but the little ones too. What do you do when you tell a joke to a date and it doesn’t land well? What if you lean in for a kiss on the lips, and get a kiss on the cheek instead? Having a plan for the best case scenario, worst case scenario, and everything in between will help you to anticipate and prepare for the worst parts of dating. If you get rejected but know it’s always a possibility, it will hurt a little bit less and probably wont impact your confidence all that much.

4. Embrace uncertainty

While planning for the best, worst, and everything in between scenarios is a great exercise, you have to know that no matter what, life will throw surprises your way. You can rack your brain thinking of elaborate scenarios and circumstances, but sometimes even the most experienced dater has a new and exciting terrible thing happen to them. Life is full of uncertainty and even if you think you know what will come, you still might get surprised. People will grow and change in unexpected ways. The one who you thought was the one might suddenly ghost you and never speak to you again. Embracing the fact that anything can happen will help you to remain confident when dating. You can’t control the randomness of life, but you can control whether or not to let it take over your life.

5. Don’t sweat the small stuff

If you go on a first date and get rejected, it might hurt, but how significant was this rejection? This person is most likely not that close to you, and is probably one step removed from being a complete stranger. If a stranger in the street walked up to you today and said “You’re not good enough” I’m sure it would be jarring, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s pretty insignificant. Whether you realize or not, life is full of rejections. You could dwell on all the small rejections you receive and constantly have your confidence take a hit, or you could remember that these rejections are small parts of life when you look at the big picture. If you love and accept yourself, and commit to remaining positive while actively working toward your goals in life and love, being rejected by strangers will seem so insignificant that it wont impact your confidence at all.

Remember, to get to where you are in life, you’ve dealt with constant small rejections. Whether it started in elementary school when you weren’t picked first for sports, or in middle school where you were told you weren’t the best friend, or in high school when no one picked you for the group project, when you applied to colleges and got rejection letters, or when you started your job search and never got response from your applications. Life is full of rejections, and someone telling you they’re not interested in a second date is so small if you really think about (they weren’t right for you). Rejections are stepping-stones to better things. Chances are that if someone doesn’t want a second date, they’ve done you a favor because now you’re still single and available for someone who would be a better fit. So don’t sweat those rejections, they’re just doing you a favor.

Remaining confident when dating, and following these tips, will help to create a positive feedback loop. The more confident you are, the more people you’ll attract, the more people you attract, the more likely you are to meet someone who wants to be with you FOR YOU. Staying confident when dating can be tough, but it’s incredibly important to do. If you’re dating and lacking confidence, you’ll get stuck in a negative feedback look. Every rejection will be magnified, every slight will seem incredibly personal, and the people you meet will only be pushed away by your lack of confidence.

Follow these tips, and remember that it takes constant work to remain confident while dating. But trust me, it’s worth it. Confidence is sexy, and being confident will only make dating easier.

Good Luck Out There.