There were two parents, now there’s only one. Divorce is hard enough on you and your ex-spouse. Imagine how it must feel to the child who just lost a live-in parent. The most important factor as you navigate the tearful waters of divorce, is that your child remains blameless.  Attempting to be amicable with your ex and his/her family is the best way to help your child feel secure.

Research suggest that the more invested the extended family is in the process of amicability, the more resilient the child becomes. One factor parents often forget is calling on the most important people in your children’s lives (on both sides of the family) to reinforce just how valuable they are. According to the National Mental Health and Education Center, roughly 80 percent of kids who hale from divorced marriages turn out “OK” with the support of the external system.

Tips For Making Divorce Ok For Your Child

Don’t Exclude People Out of Anger

The feelings you have for your ex-spouse immediately following a divorce might be anything but amicable, but your children don’t need to be your sounding board. Unless it’s unsafe or irresponsible to do so, make time for your children to visit, stay overnight and travel with their other parent. Encourage visits to Grandma and Grandpa’s, and ask your ex to do the same. Make sure the big family celebrations revolve around your children’s family more than your own. This may mean swallowing a little pride and learning not to voice disparaging remarks in front of them, but it’s necessary to raise children who are secure in who they are and how much they’re loved.

Don’t Use Your Children as Weapons

Regardless of how tempting it may be, using your children as weapons against your ex hurts them more than it does anyone else. Again, unless it’s unsafe or irresponsible, don’t use visitation as a privilege/punishment. Your children have the right to see the other parent. End of conversation. It doesn’t matter if you’re currently annoyed with your ex, his/her family or even his/her new partner. Unless you’re putting your children at risk by doing so, visiting privileges with Dad/Mom must go on unhampered, regardless of what curve balls life throws your way.

Make a Special Effort to Include the Extended Family

Just because you divorced your ex doesn’t mean you divorced his/her family. Your children are still as much a part of their family as they are yours. This means making a special effort to include grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. Try raising the white flag first, maybe by continuing to give that yearly pack of golf balls to your former father-in-law or those chocolate-covered strawberries to your former mother-in-law.

Kindness can’t be limited by whether you and your spouse can live together. Set the example for your children to model your behavior.  As hard as it may be, strive to take the high road where your child’s extended family is concerned.

Move On and Be Happy

Wallowing in misery and refusing to take part in things that brought you pleasure isn’t good idea. While it’s perfectly normal to pass through a grief phase after a divorce, feelings like these that linger for years after the fact are not healthy—not for you, and certainly not for the children you want to live happy, positive lives.

Even when you feel like it’s impossible to do so, you must continue to move forward for your children’s sake. If you find yourself stuck and unable to progress, it’s time to find a therapist.  If seeing and being around your ex is simply too painful, try and at opposite. Write a kind note, wrap up a nice gift and send your children along with a trusted family member rather than facing them. Just because you can’t face your memories doesn’t mean your children should be denied their time with family.

Guest Contributors Melissa Harris & Amanda Richter: Melissa is a yoga instructor by day, mother by week, and waitress and student by night. Amanda enjoys browsing social media and blogging whenever she can. In her free time, she loves learning about science, technology and taking her rescued dachshund to the park.